Category Archives: Relationships

Overly Controlling

Overly Controlling

The young woman pounded her fist on the table and asked, “How do I fix my relationship!” A bit amused I asked, “Are you going to do this all by yourself.” Without hesitation she said, “Yes!” “What’s the point?”, she didn’t understand my question and began to explain herself. I stopped her, “If you are going to do this all by yourself, then do you really have a relationship with another person?”

Her mistake is a common one. People either get scared of not getting what they want, or of losing a relationship, they begin to try too hard and completely dominate the relationship. When this happens it becomes a relationship of one person with their self. To have a good relationship it is important to communicate and share in the development of the relationship. If communication, appreciation, and participation fails then the relationship fails. Recognizing this failure can be painful, but at some point it may be better to leave than force each other to stay.

Who’s Confused?

Who’s Confused?

The woman said she was confused. I said she wasn’t. Yes I am, no you’re not, yes I am, no your not. You love him, right? Yes. You want to marry him, right? Yes. You want to spend the rest of your life with him, right? Yes. So how is it that you are confused? Because he doesn’t know what he wants. Doesn’t that make him confused? Yes….

I find women more than men will mistake their partners, children, and parents frame of mind as their own. Women seem to identify with the group, and lose themselves, more than men. But this confusion of identity leads to ineffective problem solving. It is not selfish to have distance of identity, to separate your sense of self from a relationship or group. In fact it is necessary to have meaningful relationships based on mutual appreciation. Journal, diary, take long walks, find some way to reflect and stay in touch with yourself.